Welcome to the fifth and slightly behind-schedule installment of The Way I “C” It. Once a week I pick three random topics to discuss and share my opinions on all three. Most of the time they won’t be anything serious and they will provide little value beyond that of entertainment and insight into my inner thoughts. If there’s a topic you’re (somehow) dying to know my thoughts on, simply comment below with whatever it is and I’ll include it in a future post. In the meantime, enjoy and stay tuned for more!
What is it with unibrows lately? Do you really not see the growth of hair that connects your two eyebrows together? Like you, I’d like to ignore it, but for some reason my mind won’t allow it. I have immediately honed in on the caterpillar growing on your forehead and cannot for the life of me break focus. Every single word coming out of your mouth is lost because the judgmental gay in me is utterly entranced and disgusted by your inability to simply pick up a pair of tweezers and go to town. Please, for the love of God, will you look in the mirror and deal with this before my compulsion to speak to you about it overrides my sense of proper social behavior?
2. Excessive Piercings
Freedom of expression has always been something that is important to me as an individual. The ability to choose how I portray myself to the outside world is something I cherish. Lately, however, I’ve been thinking about at what point it becomes too much. Obviously some forms of expression are simply issues of taste. When it comes to excessive body piercings, though, I cannot seem to fathom the allure. My mind can’t seem to wrap itself around the idea that a body covered in piercings is attractive to another individual. When I look at you with your ears, eyes, lips, and noses covered in holes and dolled up with shiny studs or loops I think to myself not only that there is no way that all of your piercings are comfortable, but that you must be blind to the way you actually appear to other human beings. A few piercings here and there are fine, but at some point you must realize that you look more like a walking jewelry box than a person. Furthermore, when your lips are pierced so much that you have trouble annunciating properly and I’m too distracted by your bling to even make a feeble attempt at understanding you, there is clearly an issue. Do us both a favor and tone it down.
3. Spoiled Children
I’ve come to realize in recent months with the increase of tiny humans in my family, that if I am to have children at some point there is no way that a child of mine will turn out to be a spoiled brat. I see plenty of kids where I work who cry and scream excessively in order to get what they want. The worst part is that the parents then appease their children by not only allowing it, but by giving in to their demands. They give their children toys and treats to stop the screaming, which in turn reinforces the idea that bad behavior is rewarded. What the hell are you thinking? Not only are you allowing your children to undermine your parenting, but you’re setting them up for failure by instilling in them the notion that if they scream loud enough the world will give them what they want. Furthermore, by allowing this behavior, you are losing their respect while simultaneously opening the door to a slew of behavior issues later on, which will not only negatively affect you, but the people around you as well. I shouldn’t have to deal with your failures as a parent. Get your shit together before you wake up one day and realize that you raised a selfish and defiant little bastard who has no sense of what the world is really like.
Until next time…stay classy.
– C.M. Berry