40 Things To Remember When Turning 40

Last year I thought it would be amusing to make a list of forty things that one should remember when turning forty for my manager at the time. Luckily she found it amusing as well. I have decided to share this list with you with a few alterations, seeing as some of the references will make absolutely no sense to someone outside of my work sphere. I hope you enjoy it and find as much comic relief as I did when writing it. Comments are always welcome!

  1. Piercings are only acceptable on the ear lobes no matter how cool you may think you are.
  2. Be kind to your hips because one day very soon you may need new ones.
  3. Don’t be afraid to question everything. For instance: why does my ass jiggle for a week when I have a milkshake? Oh that’s right…my metabolism sucks.
  4. Every day is an opportunity to discover new hobbies and interests like sewing, painting, or mass genocide.
  5. Cougar-like urges are permissible if the prey is receptive to it.
  6. Forty isn’t old…if you’re a tree.
  7. Before crossing a room, make sure to look both ways.
  8. It’s never too late to make new friends…like the man with the machete standing outside your kitchen window.
  9. Just because you can wear pajamas every day doesn’t mean you should.
  10. Drinking doesn’t have to stop at forty. In fact it should increase to accompany the increasing stress of raising children.
  11. Cherish your sense of taste because in a few years everything you eat will require salt and pepper.
  12. Don’t be afraid to emphasize your curves. Quasi Modo wasn’t.
  13. While keeping up with one’s appearance at forty is encouraged, excessive tanning is not. Oompa Loompas scare people.
  14. Charlie Sheen is NOT a role model.
  15. Neither is Martha Stewart.
  16. Peeing your pants is cool…especially if you are wearing a diaper.
  17. There is nothing wrong with having mashed potatoes with every meal.
  18. Ulcers are God’s way of telling you that you need to let the little things slide.
  19. Don’t be afraid to take chances…except when it comes to birth control. You don’t need any more of those little bastards running around.
  20. Do not try and talk like your children do. You will probably misuse some of their words and make an ass of yourself. One day they will do the same.
  21. It is perfectly permissible to sit on your front porch with a shotgun in one hand and a beer in the other. You need to keep those neighbor kids in line.
  22. Some women age like a fine wine…others age like a carton of milk. Make healthy choices.
  23. Each day should be a learning experience. Yesterday I learned how to tie my shoes.
  24. All of life’s lessons can be found in any number of Dr. Seuss books. I recommend One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish.
  25. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas…except for Herpes.
  26. It is indeed five o’clock somewhere. Let’s pretend it’s here.
  27. If life kicks you while you’re down you better kick that motherf*cker right back…and hard.
  28. Don’t read beauty magazines. They are trashy and will only make you feel worse about your impending demise.
  29. You have ninety-nine problems and a bitch ain’t one. I would be severely concerned if you understand this reference.
  30. Just because you can fit into your teenager’s clothing, does not mean you should.
  31. Money is indeed the root of all evil…or maybe it was Rick Perry…
  32. Wrinkles are a sign that you have endured hard work and a stressful life. Embrace them.
  33. If you feel like your life hasn’t amounted to much, it’s probably because it hasn’t. It’s never too late to become the crime kingpin you could have always been.
  34. You were built for comfort, not for speed.
  35. There is a light at the end of every tunnel…in most cases it’s a train heading your way at seventy miles per hour. You should move.
  36. Dentures can be fun.
  37. Smiles can warm the soul…unless you are smiling because you have just clubbed a puppy to death.
  38. Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey.
  39. Friends are flowers in the garden of life and if you have my friend, Mandi’s botany skills, you’ll kill them all.
  40. Don’t take life so seriously because one day you will die.

Until next time…stay classy.

– C.M. Berry

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About C.M. Berry

I'm an aspiring author, blogger, and poet fluent in sarcasm, profanity, and dark humor. I have something to say about everything and whether you love me or hate me, you'll always come back for more.
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