Welcome to the fourth installment of The Way I “C” It. Once a week I pick three random topics to discuss and share my opinions on all three. Most of the time they won’t be anything serious and they will provide little value beyond that of entertainment and insight into my inner thoughts. If there’s a topic you’re (somehow) dying to know my thoughts on, simply comment below with whatever it is and I’ll include it in a future post. In the meantime, enjoy and stay tuned for more!
1. Personal Hygiene
Lately I find myself in a constant battle with my tongue over my overwhelming need to tell various individuals that proper personal hygiene is not optional when interacting with other human beings. I understand that there may be extenuating circumstances from time to time that prevent you from keeping up with your appearance, but when I’m assaulted by the odors protruding from your body it becomes evident very quickly that you didn’t just miss your morning shower; you missed anywhere from the last two to the last three hundred and sixty-five showers. I don’t know about you, but when I don’t shower I feel disgusting as if my body is covered in grease and I am radiating this aura of uncleanliness. I can literally feel the grease on my skin. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you most likely feel that grease too. With that being said I desperately want to know why you left your house in this state. I need a valid reason for why you smell and why I have to deal with it because I’m on the verge of taking matters into my own hands, which I’ll have you know involves soap, scouring pads, and an inordinate amount of force. Do us both a favor and shower so I don’t have to be the asshole who tells you that you smell.
2. Skinny Jeans
Is it just me or has there been a dramatic climb in the number of men wearing skinny jeans lately? I don’t know if there has been a shortage of normal clothing where you shop, if you simply want to accentuate your junk, or if you honestly think the hipster look is the look for you. No matter the reason I know two things for sure: you look stupid and you’re seriously messing with my gaydar and the traditional standards of determining a man’s sexuality. As if it isn’t hard enough to pick out the gay ones, we have to keep on eliminating all of the factors that used to be helpful indicators. Furthermore, it is becoming increasingly difficult to determine if you’re male or female from the back. You’re making my life far more difficult than it has to be. Get over the idea that you look good in skinny jeans and buy some clothes that fit. Please and thank you.
I’ve spent far too much time in recent years pondering the allure of the “moustache.” I have come across so many people who honestly believe that moustaches are the way to go when shaping one’s facial hair, something that simply blows my mind. Maybe you want to draw people away from your missing teeth. Or maybe you think that the 70s porn star/creepy pedophile look will make the ladies swoon over you. I’m hoping that your razor just died before you got to that last section of your face. No matter the reason, two things remain true: 1. I cannot for the life of me take you seriously as long as that caterpillar remains on your upper lip. 2. Nobody trusts a man with a moustache. Do yourself a favor and shave the stache. It’ll only help you in the long run. You’re welcome.
Until next time…stay classy.
– C.M. Berry